My first YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSoFIZpQKts

More random thoughts

Today wasnt too bad, i slept in really late which i needed and really didnt do all that much. i just now started working on laundry again, got the dishes done and a few other odds and ends accomplished. Ive just been out of sorts and Bones knows this and isnt letting me out of his sight...like thats a change from anything.

ive been dealing with a lot of nightmares, flashbacks and such that have really gotten to me lately. Last night i made an effort to meditate like i used, only to get the result that i got when i was first diagnosed and started having issues with PTSD. The flash  backs, the mind racing, its like i was discussing with my roommate today about a thing i read and its true. Those with PTSD its as if our brains are trying to run and focus on computer that has 3 to 4 windows open at one time. For me that does not work. Ive never been good at multi tasking and my mind just doesnt function at that capacity, my brain tries to force me to though and it sucks. i think thats why i like sleep so much. When im not having nightmares anyway...

And more things to cross off the i can eat list...i had pizza today and my stomach is soo messed up, and the other day i had a piece of cheese cake that upset my stomach as well so im going to have to cut out gluten, tomatoes and dairy...i wonder if thats part of why my skin is drying out so much...ill have to just really watch it. For now im going back on protein shakes, rice and fruits only. The last time i ate that way i not only lost weight but i also didnt have skin or stomach issues. It can be trying not only dealing with the PTSD but also the fibromyalgia and lupus...theres so much i cant have or do and it really sucks. At this point im doing well to be able to walk Bones 3 to 4 times a day. im waning to start running again but i need to get the proper shoes first and as broke as i am that could be months before i can do that...at this point im hoping to really get a bunch of crochet orders for christmas so that i can afford Bones tags, shots and all of that in january/february, we will see.  Thats one thing that needs to be considered before having a service dog or a dog in general...the cost. Vet bills, food, treats and supplies arent always cheap and honestly if it wasnt for friends i wouldnt be able to afford it but they realize how much i need Bones and that i cant part with him and for that im very thankful to them.

Earlier this year Bones was playing with a neighbor dog who hes furiends with and Butter jumped on Bones while Bones was laying on his back...no biggie, it was dogs being dogs, they were having fun, then Bones yelped and i thought he had blown his knee out. As shortly after rescuing him i was told he had a luxating patella...or bad knee, very common in poodles. So, we got him into the vet and upon examining him and doing x-rays we discovered that his femur had been broken and healed back wrong, obviously an injury that happened prior to me having him. So i spent time researching, talking to vets, friends, other dog owners and while i was given 2 options, surgery, which would have been pretty invasive or pain medication for the duration of his life, i came to the conclusion that meds were the way to go.  The surgery would have been too much for him to handle at 10 years old and at this point the meds he only needs when its bothering him which as of today hes only had to have his meds once in the past 2 months.  i have to say it was one of the hardest decisions ive ever had to make but i think for him i made the right one.

im starting a series of YouTube videos based on this blog and Bones, PTSD, Fibro, all from my own point of view and what i deal with. i did the test clip tonight. i havent posted it yet but when i do i promise ill post the link. The reason for the vids is one, some people understand vocal words better than written, im the opposite of that personally but i know some people like that. Plus there are some things that can be shown or demonstrated much easier than written about.  If you have any particular questions or issues for me to address please feel free to put it in the comments or send me a note on facebook.

Its late, or early, depending on how your day works...and im getting tired so i wish you all a great nights sleep and im headed off to bed.

This went way off topic....

I recently read an article about PTSD and how not only humans but animals can suffer from it as well, dogs are not an exception to this and it has me wondering about Bones. Given his past and how he was raised, he even now has his moments where he gets overwhelmed and has his own form of an anxiety attack.  For the most part i know what upsets him and we avoid those things, such as loud angry voices ,  brooms( if close to him) fly swatters and a raised hand. It took me a while to get to where i could reach out to pet his head without his cowering, now he rarely does that anymore, fly swatters i simply dont keep around and brooms( or that type of thing) i try and use when hes off doing something else which is a rare occasion but if its me with it he tends to freak out less.  The loud angry voices is something that sets us both off...only im way worse with it than he is...hes able to keep composure and deal with me if he needs to and its usually at that point that im headed somewhere quiet anyway.  The loud voices is part of why i prefer to go places at night anyway, less of a chance of running into that type of situation. 

For the first at least year to two years that i had Bones if he was upset he would literally roll over and pee on himself, resulting in many many baths...but its been at least two years since he has done that and we have been through a ton of changes in the past few years so i think thats saying a lot for his recovery. 

Had you met him when i first rescued him you would not only not recognize him physically but also in how he acts.  Hes much more confident in himself, he has no issue "speaking up" if he wants or needs something be it a walk outside or my attention because something is wrong. 

i have shared the pics from the first day i rescued him on facebook but id like to share them here as well. 

i know the pics are small, they were taken with a cell phone camera and i didnt have the regular camera with me. This one shows how skinny he was as well as dirty, thats Sassy in the back ground, another rescue i had for a while that i rehomed to her forever home about a year after that pic was taken. 

His coat was terrible, you can see the mats sticking up and he stunk like he had been in a manure pile. 

This picture of his face saddened me the most. i remember looking into his eyes that day and they were so blank, there really is no other word for it, unless i say soulless because of being so lost, confused and just beaten down for soo long. 

This was later in the day once i had fed and groomed him and you can see he was starting to smile and i was earning his trust in that day, but it took us a LONG time to get to where he is now. 

And this is now...Hes happy, healthy, loved, trained and i couldnt ask for a better temperament. i grew up with pets around. but i have never had an animal that actually changed my life before.  Yes it took a lot of hard work and dedication but id do it all over again if i needed to. 

So, back to my original topic, i am going to be researching this thing about dogs and PTSD as i think Bones may fit into that category, but at the same time i dont care either way. Hes strong, hes overcome soo much and and we are going to keep pushing forward with the same positive reinforcement training ive always used with him.  

Im glad its the end of the day..Im actually getting ready to head to bed soon i just wanted to take a minute and post a few pictures and kind of decompress in my own way.  Its days like today when i reach the end of my rope that Bones is the one there to catch me and reel me back in.

His day was spent doing what the above pic shows along with smacking me to let me know that he was there and something was wrong, one of his signs that im having an anxiety or panic attack. Today i was fully aware of what was going on and actually didnt need his signals to tell me but there are times that i dont feel it coming on until after he senses it, it either case he still lets me know and he spends a lot of time licking my face, leaning against me or my favorite is when he hugs me. His hugs are a bit  different and i have yet to get a good picture of it but if im sitting at the desk and hes on the desk( chances are if im at the desk he is already on the desk) he takes the side of his neck, presses it against my face and rubs on my face kind of like what animals do when they greet each other Thats his hug. the thing is that i didnt teach him any of this..he just did it all on his own going from what i guess he things i need at the tim, and hes right just about every time.

Forgive how i look in this pic but thats another way he consoles me, nose to nose....my hand may be around him but you can tell im not forcing him into that pose, he just does it.  Its hard for me to get good pics and examples of the things he does for me because Bones hates cameras and i rarely get him to take a good picture without a lot of effort, not to mention that when im not quite with it the last thing i think to do is grab the camera..

I dont even remember taking this one but it probably turned out better than most i take.

Anyway, good night to everyone, i hope you had a great day i i hope tomorrow is even better than today was...i know for me personally i need it to be...Bones is all curled up in bed and im going to follow.

On days like today its clear to me

 Why i need a Service Dog, in particular Bones.  im in overdrive, on my way to shutting down again, on the inside anyway.  To the outsider it seems like im not doing much or being very active and physically im not. i dont even know if ill have the energy to walk Bones today to be honest and that bothers me but let me explain it all out.

When things start acting up on me and my mind reaches a point where its not really functioning i cant take any kind of stimulation, i cant handle talking to the neighbors we would run into, hearing voices will only make it worse, especially if im walking by a house and i hear someone yell, even if its a child.  If that happens ill only be able to do one thing and thats completely lock up, figure out the shortest distance home and get there asap.   And when i lock up its not exactly an anxiety or panic attack as i at that point im beyond those. Others around me really dont understand, know or see just how bad it is anymore because ive became good at putting on a show.  And this show takes soo much energy to keep going, and coupled with my fibro/lupus and the whole spoon theory im at this point borrowing spoons from the next few days at least to even keep functioning.  i know without a doubt that if i was completely honest with myself and those around me that id end up in a hospital to get this all straightened out but i haqve been keeping it from coming to that due to my fear of them not allowing Bones to be there with me.  He is the only thing that keeps me going at all

My thanks to Bones

You came into my life, tattered and torn. You didn’t know that a human could be trusted and I could see that in your blank eyes. Your coat was dirty and matted and I could tell it had been a long time since you had eaten.  I could tell you needed love and that is what ive spent every day since doing.

That first day I cleaned you up and filled your empty belly, it wasn’t long before you started to smile and that let me know you were starting to trust me.

Its been over 5 years since that day and while I may have rescued you, you in turn rescued me as well. I too was tattered and torn, and together you and I have went to hell and back together and the only thing that gets me through every day is knowing youre there, always there to lick away the tears, console the fears that I live with and you show have taught me that you and I are really a lot alike.

We take care of each other, no matter what else is going on or who else is around.  Your smile gets me through most days when id honestly rather still be in bed but in out walking you, knowing that I must put your needs before mine at times as you do the same with me when im screaming in the middle of the night and I know it must scare you but you tough it out and wake me up, and stay with me until I stop. 

Yes, while you are my service dog, you are first my trusted friend and the one constant that ive had during the hardest days of my life.  When we started out you didn’t even know the simple command “sit” now look at you, you have saved my life, you save me from myself every day. Who would have ever thought that the scared little guy that I rescued back then would turn out to be the one who ended up rescuing me in return and for that I cherish each and every moment with you.  Theres not even a person in my life that has ever made this much of an impact on me as you have and it makes me very grateful that  I found you.

My public experiences thus far with my Service Dog

It wasnt until i moved to Columbus that i really started taking Bones out in public, honestly before that i dont think he was ready either and i tried to transition him slowly by taking his gaming with me when i was playing Pathfinder, which while in gaming stores its low key, not a lot of noise but there are people, doors opening and closing, and other distractions that he was able to experience which gave me a good idea of areas he needed more work on. Since ive done all of his training myself its been tricky at times but we have a very tight bond that makes him very anxious to please and thats a definite plus in my mind.

  For the most part its been grocery stores that hes been in with the exception of a few dollar type stores and gas stations.   Krogers has been great about him being in there as well as WalMarts.  I had him in a Dollar Tree one time and was told he couldnt be in there and once i informed the worked that he was a Service Dog everything was fine and they have been more than welcoming since then, in which i actually emailed the company and let them know of the store and employees and that i feel they are exceptional at customer care for this reason.

  Today was a different story. We went to a Save a Lot and as soon as walking in the door more than one employee tried to get my attention saying that i couldnt have my dog in there. I did explain he was a Service Dog and they didnt ask anymore about it, he did and always has his vest on and i always carry his ID with me but they didnt ask for it but the rest of the time in the store i just kept getting looks and people saying that they didnt think dogs should be allowed in grocery stores.  i dont say anything to those who talk about it as im passing them. i know im not breaking any laws and that hes properly trained but it does get to me sometimes. Today i pretty much summed it up as being in a section of town where the employees may not have been educated on such situations.

Bones works hard in pubilc and you can tell he tried to please and be on his best behavior all while keeping an eye on me, checking on me and making sure im okay but i worry that one of these times i will end up in an attack in the store itself over a situation much like todays.  I guess if that does happen thats what Bones is there for but still i worry about the embarrassment of it.

Bones does have one weakness in stores and its not products or food in the stores...its the cash registers and the checking out process, he basically dislikes it and if given the opportunity i know he would walk out of the situation if he could. i do use the self checkouts at times as it makes it easier on him but i personally detest the self checkouts.

Something i need to thoroughly check on is that since Bones is for PTSD and hes short, standing about 13 inches at the top of his shoulders i have been putting a blanket down in the front part of the cart and i let him ride in there. For me its easier, i can mess with his ears which i twirl in my fingers when im nervous, and i just have him closer to me for the contact that i need him to provide when im outside the home.  i also have agoraphobia and literally have had many many times when i cant walk out the door if he is not with me, maybe hes became in a way a security blanket but  its what i have to do anymore. i simply cant function without him, and in a way thats scary for me as well. For me having a Service Dog is kind of like any public assistance i get. i hope to only need it for a while, til i can pull myself back together and be able to function in the normal world again.  However that doesnt mean i wont still have dogs trained for my needs as even if i reach a point where i just need the help at home ill still need them and i cant live without an animal around anyway. Its just who i am and gods know when it comes to Bones hes not just a dog or even just a Service Dog to me, hes my companion. He never lets me out of his sight in a way we depend on each other and for us and how we do things has worked well.

First Post and what this page is all about

Welcome, and thank you for checking out this page.  I hope to accomplish many things with this blog from sharing my personal stories, training tips and issues and what works for Bones and i as a team to public awareness of  Service Dogs.

Please understand that the training tips unless specified are tips and tricks ive used and im not a professional dog trainer yet i have done all of Bones training myself. And just because it worked for us it may not work for you.

Heres a bit of a background on Bones. I rescued him 5 1/2 years ago from a hoarder where he was living with a pack of approximately 30 other dogs. He was 5 at the time, had no name, was emaciated, matted, had been abused and suffered from broken ribs and i found out this year that he also had suffered a broken femur that grew back incorrectly due to him not having any vet care back then. On our first walks together he would bolt away from anyone coming near us. Soo, ive had my hands full...But hes been wonderful, its been a long road together but now hes healthy, happy and loves people. He never stops smiling even on his days that his leg is hurting. One of his best friends is a neighbor girl who is autistic, he was drawn to her and they are so cute together and as far as how he is with me, hes a silly dog who likes to make me laugh and tries really hard to please. At times it takes him longer to learn things and im not sure if its due to him being 10 or if its because he when i rescued him he literally knew nothing so he was behind on things. Either way i dont mind, we are at each others side 24/7 and have been since the day i rescued him.  With the constant attention, affection and consistency hes came a long way.

For those who also follow Bones on his FaceBook page you should know all posts will be made on here by his handler, not Bones himself as its done on there. While i love that page and enjoy it very much on there i want this to be a bit more on the serious side. But please feel free to follow both pages, sometimes my counterpart ( Bones) can be every entertaining, its a part of his charm that makes him soo special to me.

Soo, this was just a short intro as the first post and you will see in the upcoming days new articles showing up on various topics and please if you have a suggestion for a topic or any questions feel free to message me anytime.