Last nights events

I have times i wonder whats going on in bones head. Most of the time i can read him like a book but last night was a bit different.

We  were headed to the store last night and Bones wanted to hang his head out the window. I always let him as long as he is on my lap and i have a hold of his collar so he cant fall out.  I noticed the whole way there and back that each time we drove past an animal dead in the road he would watch it until he could no longer see it. It made me wonder if  he was comprehending that there was a dead animal there and if he thought he needed to stop to check it out and maybe help it.

Bones is a very sensitive boy. When someone is sad or hurt he knows it and always tried to help. I know many of you may think " well,  he is a service dog so shouldnt he be that way?" Well yes and no. Yes because he is trained to be that way, however he is trained for me, plus i never trained him to be so caring, it just came natural for him. See when I rescued him I never planned on needing a Service dog, but my nerves and PTSD have gotten progressively worse over the years and Bones picked up on that and started responding to me without me saying anything to him. Thats when my shrink suggested that i finish any training he needed to be my Service Dog.

I also wonder if the reason he was watching the "road kill" has to do with his scavenger instinct...as before I rescued him he was rarely fed and pretty much ate what he could catch...and in ways he has carried that with him ever since. Take for example taking him fishing. He loves it but y ou have to be very careful as he will eat the bait and try and eat any fish on a stringer or even try and grab them off the hook when you reel fish in.  I usually deal with it by giving him the first fish I catch. Once i do that he seems fine the rest of the time.

I honestly think Im the only one who could put up with Bones quirks.  He just has some odd ways about him that others would find troubling but for us we make such a good team and have grown so much alike in our ways that to me hes the perfect companion and Service Dog.

So, what do you think??? Why do you think Bones was so fascinated by the dead aminals in the road?

Confusion and frustration

 I find weird things bother me with having a Service Dog, the biggest thing is that people misunderstand and tend to think that im "such a terrible case" Dont get me wrong, at times i am. However having a Service Dog has made life easier and a bit more "normal" for me. He provides that buffer between me and the world that helps me function better. I still have bad PTSD and fibro days, dont get me wrong, but he makes them easier to cope. Knowing that i have help and support from him when i need it is invaluable and i would have never guessed the difference it makes.

Yes, the training, questions and looks can be tiring at times but its all worth it for me when it comes to the comfort and assistance he gives.

One of the biggest challenges for him lately is that we are trying to figure out how he can try and comfort me during the bad times while im walking. A few days ago i needed to get some air as i was really upset and depressed, usually a time when i sit with Bones and he "works his magic" until im able to breathe again but this time i was up moving around and we were outside. The outside part isnt an issue, but it was me being up. He kept jumping up at me whining trying to figure out how to work the situation. He knew what he wanted and needed to do but i was in his way of it trying to cope on my own. When we reached the house after i had gathered myself some i let Bones take over and he was content in that. But this is an issue ive got to figure out how to find a way to let him take care of me even when im on the move.

The walk we were on was one of his "smell fests" as i like to call it. Its those times each day that i let him smell and explore his surroundings, i feel its important to do that with him, he needs to enjoy life, he deserves to but i took that away from him that time without meaning to, instead he was too concerned with my wellbeing to care what the grass, flowers and trees smelled like.

im going to keep working this scenario in my mind and see what i can come up with as a solution...and ill keep you posted if i come up with anything.

My first YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSoFIZpQKts

More random thoughts

Today wasnt too bad, i slept in really late which i needed and really didnt do all that much. i just now started working on laundry again, got the dishes done and a few other odds and ends accomplished. Ive just been out of sorts and Bones knows this and isnt letting me out of his sight...like thats a change from anything.

ive been dealing with a lot of nightmares, flashbacks and such that have really gotten to me lately. Last night i made an effort to meditate like i used, only to get the result that i got when i was first diagnosed and started having issues with PTSD. The flash  backs, the mind racing, its like i was discussing with my roommate today about a thing i read and its true. Those with PTSD its as if our brains are trying to run and focus on computer that has 3 to 4 windows open at one time. For me that does not work. Ive never been good at multi tasking and my mind just doesnt function at that capacity, my brain tries to force me to though and it sucks. i think thats why i like sleep so much. When im not having nightmares anyway...

And more things to cross off the i can eat list...i had pizza today and my stomach is soo messed up, and the other day i had a piece of cheese cake that upset my stomach as well so im going to have to cut out gluten, tomatoes and dairy...i wonder if thats part of why my skin is drying out so much...ill have to just really watch it. For now im going back on protein shakes, rice and fruits only. The last time i ate that way i not only lost weight but i also didnt have skin or stomach issues. It can be trying not only dealing with the PTSD but also the fibromyalgia and lupus...theres so much i cant have or do and it really sucks. At this point im doing well to be able to walk Bones 3 to 4 times a day. im waning to start running again but i need to get the proper shoes first and as broke as i am that could be months before i can do that...at this point im hoping to really get a bunch of crochet orders for christmas so that i can afford Bones tags, shots and all of that in january/february, we will see.  Thats one thing that needs to be considered before having a service dog or a dog in general...the cost. Vet bills, food, treats and supplies arent always cheap and honestly if it wasnt for friends i wouldnt be able to afford it but they realize how much i need Bones and that i cant part with him and for that im very thankful to them.

Earlier this year Bones was playing with a neighbor dog who hes furiends with and Butter jumped on Bones while Bones was laying on his back...no biggie, it was dogs being dogs, they were having fun, then Bones yelped and i thought he had blown his knee out. As shortly after rescuing him i was told he had a luxating patella...or bad knee, very common in poodles. So, we got him into the vet and upon examining him and doing x-rays we discovered that his femur had been broken and healed back wrong, obviously an injury that happened prior to me having him. So i spent time researching, talking to vets, friends, other dog owners and while i was given 2 options, surgery, which would have been pretty invasive or pain medication for the duration of his life, i came to the conclusion that meds were the way to go.  The surgery would have been too much for him to handle at 10 years old and at this point the meds he only needs when its bothering him which as of today hes only had to have his meds once in the past 2 months.  i have to say it was one of the hardest decisions ive ever had to make but i think for him i made the right one.

im starting a series of YouTube videos based on this blog and Bones, PTSD, Fibro, all from my own point of view and what i deal with. i did the test clip tonight. i havent posted it yet but when i do i promise ill post the link. The reason for the vids is one, some people understand vocal words better than written, im the opposite of that personally but i know some people like that. Plus there are some things that can be shown or demonstrated much easier than written about.  If you have any particular questions or issues for me to address please feel free to put it in the comments or send me a note on facebook.

Its late, or early, depending on how your day works...and im getting tired so i wish you all a great nights sleep and im headed off to bed.

This went way off topic....

I recently read an article about PTSD and how not only humans but animals can suffer from it as well, dogs are not an exception to this and it has me wondering about Bones. Given his past and how he was raised, he even now has his moments where he gets overwhelmed and has his own form of an anxiety attack.  For the most part i know what upsets him and we avoid those things, such as loud angry voices ,  brooms( if close to him) fly swatters and a raised hand. It took me a while to get to where i could reach out to pet his head without his cowering, now he rarely does that anymore, fly swatters i simply dont keep around and brooms( or that type of thing) i try and use when hes off doing something else which is a rare occasion but if its me with it he tends to freak out less.  The loud angry voices is something that sets us both off...only im way worse with it than he is...hes able to keep composure and deal with me if he needs to and its usually at that point that im headed somewhere quiet anyway.  The loud voices is part of why i prefer to go places at night anyway, less of a chance of running into that type of situation. 

For the first at least year to two years that i had Bones if he was upset he would literally roll over and pee on himself, resulting in many many baths...but its been at least two years since he has done that and we have been through a ton of changes in the past few years so i think thats saying a lot for his recovery. 

Had you met him when i first rescued him you would not only not recognize him physically but also in how he acts.  Hes much more confident in himself, he has no issue "speaking up" if he wants or needs something be it a walk outside or my attention because something is wrong. 

i have shared the pics from the first day i rescued him on facebook but id like to share them here as well. 

i know the pics are small, they were taken with a cell phone camera and i didnt have the regular camera with me. This one shows how skinny he was as well as dirty, thats Sassy in the back ground, another rescue i had for a while that i rehomed to her forever home about a year after that pic was taken. 

His coat was terrible, you can see the mats sticking up and he stunk like he had been in a manure pile. 

This picture of his face saddened me the most. i remember looking into his eyes that day and they were so blank, there really is no other word for it, unless i say soulless because of being so lost, confused and just beaten down for soo long. 

This was later in the day once i had fed and groomed him and you can see he was starting to smile and i was earning his trust in that day, but it took us a LONG time to get to where he is now. 

And this is now...Hes happy, healthy, loved, trained and i couldnt ask for a better temperament. i grew up with pets around. but i have never had an animal that actually changed my life before.  Yes it took a lot of hard work and dedication but id do it all over again if i needed to. 

So, back to my original topic, i am going to be researching this thing about dogs and PTSD as i think Bones may fit into that category, but at the same time i dont care either way. Hes strong, hes overcome soo much and and we are going to keep pushing forward with the same positive reinforcement training ive always used with him.  

Im glad its the end of the day..Im actually getting ready to head to bed soon i just wanted to take a minute and post a few pictures and kind of decompress in my own way.  Its days like today when i reach the end of my rope that Bones is the one there to catch me and reel me back in.

His day was spent doing what the above pic shows along with smacking me to let me know that he was there and something was wrong, one of his signs that im having an anxiety or panic attack. Today i was fully aware of what was going on and actually didnt need his signals to tell me but there are times that i dont feel it coming on until after he senses it, it either case he still lets me know and he spends a lot of time licking my face, leaning against me or my favorite is when he hugs me. His hugs are a bit  different and i have yet to get a good picture of it but if im sitting at the desk and hes on the desk( chances are if im at the desk he is already on the desk) he takes the side of his neck, presses it against my face and rubs on my face kind of like what animals do when they greet each other Thats his hug. the thing is that i didnt teach him any of this..he just did it all on his own going from what i guess he things i need at the tim, and hes right just about every time.

Forgive how i look in this pic but thats another way he consoles me, nose to nose....my hand may be around him but you can tell im not forcing him into that pose, he just does it.  Its hard for me to get good pics and examples of the things he does for me because Bones hates cameras and i rarely get him to take a good picture without a lot of effort, not to mention that when im not quite with it the last thing i think to do is grab the camera..

I dont even remember taking this one but it probably turned out better than most i take.

Anyway, good night to everyone, i hope you had a great day i i hope tomorrow is even better than today was...i know for me personally i need it to be...Bones is all curled up in bed and im going to follow.

On days like today its clear to me

 Why i need a Service Dog, in particular Bones.  im in overdrive, on my way to shutting down again, on the inside anyway.  To the outsider it seems like im not doing much or being very active and physically im not. i dont even know if ill have the energy to walk Bones today to be honest and that bothers me but let me explain it all out.

When things start acting up on me and my mind reaches a point where its not really functioning i cant take any kind of stimulation, i cant handle talking to the neighbors we would run into, hearing voices will only make it worse, especially if im walking by a house and i hear someone yell, even if its a child.  If that happens ill only be able to do one thing and thats completely lock up, figure out the shortest distance home and get there asap.   And when i lock up its not exactly an anxiety or panic attack as i at that point im beyond those. Others around me really dont understand, know or see just how bad it is anymore because ive became good at putting on a show.  And this show takes soo much energy to keep going, and coupled with my fibro/lupus and the whole spoon theory im at this point borrowing spoons from the next few days at least to even keep functioning.  i know without a doubt that if i was completely honest with myself and those around me that id end up in a hospital to get this all straightened out but i haqve been keeping it from coming to that due to my fear of them not allowing Bones to be there with me.  He is the only thing that keeps me going at all